Grievous Grinders!
by D.F. Pendrys
Summary: This is awful. The latest Sailor Business inspired fic brings Sailor Moon to Connecticut, and not the cool part of Connecticut either where I'm from :P There are some surprise cameos too... Set during the events of "The Past Returns" This is the dub universe sorry...


The battle with Malachite had sent the five Sailor Scouts to the Moon to learn things, but the trip back had taken each on a detour that they had refused to speak about. Each Scout had ended up in a different location and Sailor Moon found herself materializing on a train. It took her not more than thirty seconds to realize this was not a typical Japanese train, but instead something else... She bolted up from the dingy leather seat and looked around at the rattling metal car. The few passengers inside it didn't even look in her direction instead remaining focused on their own matters. She looked out the window only to find a foliage of all types of colors was passing by through the dirty glass.

"Ahem," came a voice. She whirled to face the train conductor. "Ticket please," he asked.

Sailor Moon, unfamiliar with English, realized two things. The first was that she had no idea what he was saying, and secondly she must be in an English speaking country.

She held out her arms in the universal gesture for "I don't even know" and shook her head.

"I don't speak English," She said in Japanese.

"Whether you speak Chinese or not, you need a ticket," the conductor snarled. "If you don't have one you need to buy one."  
That action might have diffused the situation, but Sailor Moon neither understood nor had the money to purchase a said ticket. The conductor snapped his fingers and two more train staff emerged from another car. Sailor Moon hesitated and contemplated violence but these were just regular people not villains...or was this a trap?

It was no trap, but she was dumped pretty roughly onto the train platform four minutes later.

"Rude..." she muttered and stood. She exited the platform and studied the beautiful beige train station covered with interlocking bricks on its corners. Moon pulled out her communicator but was rewarded with static when she tried to call her friends.

"Great," she muttered and walked towards the small town past even more trees blooming with beautiful colorful leaves. "This is nice at least, but what is going on?" she asked herself rounding a corner and heading towards a large church which overlooked a large green. She stared up at the beautiful spire somehow thought of her own kingdom though there was no resemblance. That's when she noticed the figure sprawled on the front steps. She approached cautiously. The figure slowly rose and turned towards her.

"Hi," he said in English.

She didn't respond.

"Wait...you look familiar..." he continued in English.

"Are you Japanese?" he asked in Japanese.

"Yes I am," Sailor Moon replied. "You speak Japanese?"  
"Yeah, because I talk a lot," the figure answered.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Asked you first," the figure answered.

"No you didn't!" she snapped.

"Ah hah you caught me!" he said.

"Who are you and why are you dressed in that outfit?" she pressed.

"Because I'm Spiderman," the red clad person said.

"Spiderman carries swords? No he doesn't, and he's not real," Sailor Moon muttered studying the person closer.

"You have a lot to learn about how we do things over here! I am your friendly neighborhood Spiderman, and you are a meatball head."  
"I hate that nickname!"  
"And I hate many things, but that's life."  
"Why are you here?" she shrieked.

"Don't know, just woke up," he said.

"Yes," came a voice. "What if...Deadpool had traveled back in time to mess with his future editor..."

The two turned to see the robe clad bald troublemaker who was "The Watcher" standing in the middle of a baseball field on the green.

"THAT GUY!" Deadpool cried.

"Who is he?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Worst guy ever! Thinks he's so high and mighty, What If this happened? What If that happened? That must be why I'm here in...where the hell is this?"  
"No idea," Sailor Moon answered.

Deadpool took off at a run towards The Watcher. Sailor Moon followed. The being turned to look at them in surprise.

"Wait a minute how is she here?" The Watcher asked. "She isn't even a Marvel property!"  
"I don't know!" Deadpool snapped.

"This messes with the time line entirely..." The Watcher admitted.

"WHERE ARE WE?" Sailor Moon snapped.

"NAUGATUCK, CONNECTICUT!" The Watcher announced.

"FUCK THAT," Deadpool exclaimed. "Naugatuck Connecticut? Are you kidding me!"  
"I can tell you are upset, I think I'll get a grinder," The Watcher said and hurried for the town's storied grinder shop.

"This is bullshit," Deadpool said. "We don't even get dropped into Ansonia or Derby. Shit is real in Derby."  
"I wouldn't...know," Sailor Moon responded.

"I hear this town has a nice river and a chocolate plant," Deadpool said.

"Chocolate plant!" Sailor Moon said as her eyes widened.

"Yep, but I guess I need to do whatever it is The Watcher said...find my future editor and mess with him, which I guess could mean a lot of things," Deadpool said.

"Wait you're not going to hurt him are you?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Ask baldy, I don't know what the title of the comic is supposed to be," Deadpool said.

"Wait what?"  
Deadpool started to jog down the street. Sailor Moon pursued.

"Do you even know where your going! And you shouldn't hurt this person!" she implored.  
They stopped in front of the grinder shop and The Watcher emerged with one in hand.

"This is delightful," he said.

"Where is this guy I'm trying to ki-mess with-give a wedgie?" Deadpool asked.

"You shouldn't do that," Sailor Moon said.

"You don't even understand what is going on here!" Deadpool snapped and smashed a nearby car window. He climbed inside and started hot wiring the car.

"HEY! You can't do that!" Sailor Moon screamed.

"I can and will missy," Deadpool said and kept fiddling with it. The Watcher chewed on the grinder.

The car started up.

"No no no!" Sailor Moon shouted. "Don't steal the car."  
Deadpool waved and moved to drive off. Sailor Moon leapt after him.

"Moon Tiara ACTION!" She shouted flinging her tiara. It hit the back wheel causing it to puncture, the car skidded out of control down the street, over the train tracks through the forest and into the Naugatuck River.

"Uh...oh..." she said in surprise and rushed to the river bank. She could see the red suited figure clambering out of the vehicle but being pulled away by the current.

"This is very unexpected," The Watcher remarked from beside her.

"WHAT'S ALL THIS COMMOTION!" an old man in a vest said running up to the river bank.

"Nothing..." Sailor Moon muttered in Japanese.

"Can't understand a word you're saying! Someone steals a car and crashes it into our river! For shame! It's not supposed to happen around here, this is a nice are! This is Connecticut! Harumph!"

Sailor Moon shook her head with the confusion.

A crowd gathered.

"Hey is that Deadpool?" someone asked looking into the river as the figure receded.

"Who is Deadpool?" someone else asked.  
"He's a mercenary, who became popular in a variety of Marvel Comics Titles..."  
"NERD!" someone else shouted.

Sailor Moon couldn't understand anything but was surprised at people's anger.

"Who the hell are you?!" the old man shouted at the Watcher. "You look like an alien! Do you have a green card!"  
The Watcher sighed.

"Technically no," he said. "But I am The Watcher."  
"The what? Just who are you watching!"

Most of the crowd surrounded The Watcher, as he continued to eat his sub.

Meanwhile in the doorway to the grinder shop a lone figure stood watching the townspeople. He adjusted the silly hat atop his blonde hair.

"Humans enjoy eating sandwiches that are made with long thin bread," he said to himself. "So far I have sold so many just by taking over this famous shop. They will drain energy from the town and I will reclaim my spot as a general at Queen Beryl's side."  
To his surprise a figure emerged from the crowd and walked towards the shop.

"Guess I should at least find some food," Sailor Moon muttered under her breath, "Do I even have money...I dunno...maybe they'll take pity on me..."

"WHAT!" the grinder man said in shock. "How is she here IN FUCKING NAUGATUCK CONNECTICUT!"

"Something wrong?" came a voice from behind him. He whirled to see a boy with a giant mustache clutching a comic book under one arm.

"What no? Who are you!"

"My name is Jordan D. White!" he responded with vigor. "I don't know why I said it like that...strange..."

"I'm uh..." Jadeite stammered and hurried inside the restaurant. "I'm Jedi!"

"Jed...i?" Jordan asked following him in. "That's an odd name. Like Star Wars?"  
"What the fuck is Star Wars? Do you want a sandwich!"Jadeite asked.

The door swung open.

"Hold it right there!" Sailor Moon shouted.

"EH?" both Jadeite and Jordan said.

"Food is the most important thing ever even in weird ass towns in mediocre New England states!' Sailor Moon shouted in Japanese. "I won't let you tarnish it...JADEITE! I am Sailor Moon Champion of Justice, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil! And that...MEANS..."

Jadeite tossed a barrage of Italian bread at her. She dodged.  
"Sailor Moon! How'd you know it was me!" he snapped.

"You crossed out Nardelli's with marker and wrote. "Darkingdom's Grinderia!" Sailor Moon shouted. "Even I can figure that shit out!"

"CURSES!" Jadeite shouted leaping over the counter and swinging his fist.

"Moon Healing Escalation!" Sailor Moon shouted and blasted him with white energy as his punch connected. She dropped to the ground but Jadeite staggered back against the sneeze guard and sank to the floor.

Energy enveloped Sailor Moon and she found herself being flung back through Malachite's magical tunnel of what the fuck back into the cave.

In Naugatuck, Jadeite awoke.

"I'm cured...I'm not evil anymore! It's amazing!" he shouted.

"This the guy!" a cop said hurrying into the store followed by seven others.

"Yep," Jordan said pointing.

"You're under arrest for stuff!" the cop shouted grabbing Jadeite.

"Wait wait...I was under evil control...I!" Jadeite screamed.

"Lying fuck, you're going to...CONNECTICUT PRISON for this!" the cops all shouted pulling him to a squad cars.

"No no I was healed...why..." he said in agony. He felt control of his sanity slipping away.

"Humans...like leaves..." he muttered deliriously as the madness consumed him.

The police drove off.

"Sailor Moon huh..." Jordan noted. "Wonder what she's about..."

"I can swim!" Deadpool shouted jumping out of the river down the street. Townspeople started leaping at him and he began fending them off with fisticuffs.

Unaware of this the future host of Sailor Business continued on his merry way as the smell of chocolate wafted across the town.

SAILOR MOON SAYS

ARTEMIS: Today some really weird shit happened.

LUNA: But Sailor Moon remained true to herself and sought out evil even though it's Connecticut and who cares really?

LITA: Just because you're in a foreign country doesn't mean you can stop caring about people.

AMY: That's right! Learning to respect other cultures is the best way to make friends and prevent fighting.

MINA: Yeah I was in London kinda for a little bit, but don't ask about that, because that whole episode was pretty weak, but yeah respect other people no matter where they're from.

REI: Unless it's the negaverse and then you should kill them.

SERENA: Sailor Moon Says! HAHA!


End file.
